VIOLINS ON TELEVISION 

Emily Lattella: What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television? Why don’t parents want their kids to see violins on television? I thought the Leonardo Bernstein concerts were just lovely, now, if they only show violins on television after ten o’clock at night, the little babies will all be asleep and they won’t learn any music appreciation. They’ll learn to play guitars, and bongo drums and go to Africa and join these rock’n roll outfits and they won’t drink milk! I think there should be more violins on television and less game shows, it’s terrible the way…

Chevy Chase : Um, Littella, that’s Violence on television. Not violins.

Emily Litella : Oh, well that’s diffrent. Never mind!

BUSTING SCHOOLCHILDREN

Emily Litella: I’m here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can’t even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn’t good, and even though they get bread, I don’t believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don’t have toys in jail, except maybe..

Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting.

Emily Litella: Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.

PRESIDENTIAL ERECTION

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I’ve been hearing about the 1976 presidential erection? Now, I know they erected a monument for Mr. Lincoln and President Washington, but that’s because they’re DEAD! Hopefully, the 1976 President won’t be DEAD! So he won’t NEED an erection! If Americans are going to spend money to erect anything, why don’t we tear down those nasty slums and erect luxury high rises for poor people and senior citizens! Not for presidents who can afford to pay for their OWN erections!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella –

Emily Litella: I can’t believe the way things are turning out in this country — what?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. That’s election. The editorial was about the presidential election, not the presidential erection. Election.

Emily Litella: Oh, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ smiling ] Never mind.

SOVIET JEWELRY

Emily Litella: What’s all this FUSS I hear… about saving Soviet jewelry? Now… what makes Soviet jewelry so special? Will it be worth more in a few years? Why… prices what they are today… ALL jewelry will be worth more! now, if I recall correctly, Mrs. Kruschev didn’t wear very much jewelry… and her husband, the Premier, didn’t even wear a watch! Not the mickey mouse watch, anyway. Why, they wouldn’t even let him into Disney Land! And now he’s DEAD!! Well, I’m infuriated! Save Soviet jewelry?! Where are we going to put it? I say keep it over THERE, with all their ballet dancers! Let them keep their own jewelry AND their own ballet dancers! As a matter of fact, why don’t get the ballet dancers to save the jewelry?! Americans have more important things to save! And electricity! And what about our fuel? Now, THAT’S important! Not jewelry!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella. Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: It’s Jewry. Jewry. Not jewelry.

Emily Litella: It’s what?

Chevy Chase: Soviet Jewry. The editorial was about Jewry, not jewelry.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very important.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

EAGLE RIGHTS

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I hear… about an Eagle Rights Amendment? Now, I realize that the eagle is the symbol for the United States of America. But I wouldn’t like to sit next to one on the bus! Well, I think the eagle’s been treated fair enough! We put them on the back of the quarter, didn’t we? Well, I’m angry! Do those birds expect to vote? They don’t even have fingers to push the little lever in the booth! And they’ll get their wings caught in the curtain! It’ll be a mess! Between you and me, if we give eagles rights, the next thing you know, we’ll have to give rights to pigeons! And then robins! And parakeets! Why, you won’t be able to get a seat in the park! It’ll be the BIRDS sitting on the bench throwing US little pieces of toast! If we’re gonna give birds rights, we’ll have to give them to parrots! At least they can talk! Not the eagle! They don’t do a thing! I –

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: The editorial was in favor of the Equal Rights Amendment. Not Eagle Rights — Equal Rights.

Emily Litella: Equal Rights?

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: For who?

Chevy Chase: Well, people, Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s reasonable.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: Never mind!

CANKER RESEARCH

Emily Litella: I believe the American people are pouring too much money… into CANKER… research! Now, how much can you learn about a little tiny sore inside your face?! Why, JUST the other day… a lovely lady came to my door and asked me to donate money to the American CANKER Society! But I said, “Goodness gracious, NO!!” I’m saving up my money for more important diseases! Mind you, Cankers can be nasty little buggers! But they don’t KILL you! Now, my cousin Mildred used to get them all the time! On the inside of her lip. And it hurt like HELL when she ate grapefruit! So I told her, “Mildred! Don’t eat grapefruit!” And it didn’t cost her a cent! Why waste your money, America? CANKERS can be beaten! Don’t eat grapefruit! [ she pounds the desk ] And if you DO have cankers… don’t put your fingers in your mouth, and don’t keep fiddling around with them!

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?! What?

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella, I’m sorry. That’s… cancer. The editorial was in favor of money provided for cancer research. Not — not canker sores. Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that’s very necessary.

Chevy Chase: Yes, it is.

Emily Litella: [ she turns to the camera ] Never mind.

DEAF PENALTY

Emily Litella: What is all this fuss I hear about the Supreme Court’s decision on a DEAF penalty?! It’s terrible!! Deaf people have enough problems as it is! I know I myself occasionally have difficulty with my hearing — but that doesn’t mean I want to be punished for it! And what do they do to them, anyway? Shout nasty things at them behind their back? You mark my words: If we start punishing deaf people, they’ll get back at us! They’ll close their eyes when we talk to them and they won’t be able to see a thing we’re saying!! I say, instead of making deafness a penalty, we ought to start doing NICE things for them. Like talking louder. [ shouting ] YOU HEAR ME?!! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME OUT THERE?!!

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry, Miss Litella. That’s death penalty. Death penalty.

Emily Litella: [ confused ] What?

Chevy Chase: The editorial was about the Supreme Court’s decision on the death penalty — not deaf penalty. Death penalty.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

 

ENDANGERED FECES

What’s all this fuss I hear about endangered feces?  That’s outrageous.  Why is feces endangered?  How can you possibly run out of such a thing? Just look around you – you can see it all over the place.  And besides, who wants to save that anyway?

MAKING PUERTO RICO A STEAK

What’s all this fuss I hear about making Puerto Rico a steak?  Let me warn all of you: if you make Puerto Rick a steak, the next thing they’ll want is a baked potato-with sour cream and chives and little bacon bits.  And then they’ll probably want a salad bar!  Why, they’ll be lined up for miles!

 

Here are some memorable Gilda performances:

Remembering Gilda